I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
