Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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