Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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