Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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