are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
