Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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