Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
