woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
