The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize