Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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