I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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