yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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