Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
