Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize