I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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