sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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