By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
