Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
