she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
