I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
