pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
