I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
