I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
