I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
