I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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