all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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