we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
