Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
