Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
