It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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