It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
this hospital has no fireball
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
