I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
