I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
