Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
