This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize