I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
