I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
