My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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