I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
