This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Randomize
