I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
