Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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