She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
