if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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