i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
my nose is crying tears of wow.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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