i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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