No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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