I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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