SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
