My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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