you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I need a beard to bite.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize