McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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