im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
