I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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