do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
