we have officially lost it.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
