My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
