she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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