walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
