I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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