see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
